Don’t Force Yourself Into Love

Posted on March 10, 2019 Updated on March 10, 2019

Hello to you! Welcome to my blog, and if you’re new here – please follow me up. Now I sounded like a Youtuber there, lol. Anyways, for this blog post I’d like to share my experience relating to love and relationships. But trust me, it’s never “a” love. And it’s also never “a” relationship. I wish I could tell the context of when this happened, but I don’t think I can since the person involved is a friend of mine that happens to follow me here. Furthermore, I would hide her true identity and let’s just call her Jenny.

So Jenny is quite a lovely nice girl. And by that I mean that she is very reserved and conservative, well that’s how I at least remember her. She is 5 feet 8 or 9 inches. I think she’s as tall as I am, or if not then maybe shorter. She has a black straight hair, with a pinkish frecklish face but the freckles didn’t matter. She had a nice smile that she always puts on her face. Background nationality, she’s Asian. And that’s really nice too because I have always had a thing for Asians, just like me. So anyway, she would have been perfect.

Ok backtrack a bit. Where did I first meet her? We met back in high school. But back then she was quiet and shy. She was always alone and loner and had no friends. She would rather and prefer to be alone, isolating herself from the crowd. She didn’t join any clubs nor attend and participate in any school activities (except for those required ones like assemblies). She’s that type of person that goes straight home right after school. I would always notice her, but I don’t think she ever noticed me. She did attend prom, which quite surprised me. But apparently she was just there for the food, then left. Could it be that she didn’t like the food or perhaps threw up because of the horrible food they served? Or it’s just that prom isn’t her thing and don’t want to go hangin’ and dancing with other people. But anyway, she seemed that sweet, innocent girl. I liked those types of girls, and that’s why it’s always hard for me to be in a relationship – but anyway, that’s for another story.

So graduation came along. She was there for the graduation of course who wouldn’t. But then quickly disappeared after she got her diploma. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her. I mean she’s quite lovely,  but I had my eyes set out for other/another girl(s) back then. I guess I like her kinda before? But just wasn’t sure.

Let’s fast forward along to university years. I went to York University, she went to University of Toronto (won’t say which campus, as to conceal identity as much as possible) for her first year. But when we became second year, I bumped into her at York. And we had a 5-10 minute conversation trying to catch up on each other. She said she was at University of Toronto but had to move to York because things are not working out (there’s just lots of reasons and I just can’t tell what they are because it would be too obvious now). So yeah, that’s what I learned about her. And she remembered me too! She matured a lot, and I mean a lot! And there was a whole change of her. She became more “talkative” in a sense that she was really quiet before, but she is still the same girl that’s very reserved, conservative, and likes to be in isolation. We part ways because I still had my class, and so did her too.

The next day, I saw her friend request on Facebook and I did accept it. She then messaged me and asked if I was free sometime during the week. I asked her why was she asking me and said that she wanted to ask me out (obviously she wanted to ask me out but keeps on using “hangout” as term). Weirdly enough, I lost my “feelings” over her from high school and moved on when I got to York. And apparently, there was this girl from Computer Science (btw Jenny’s in a business program) that I had my eyes on for a long time already and no one was into her too. I’m becoming close with this girl so I wouldn’t want to let go of that opportunity; anyway, another story for that. So instead of making Jenny feel bad, I just made an alibi saying I can’t as I have midterms to study for. It all ended with the “maybe next time” message. But trust me, I was getting a lot of these messages from her for next 3-4 semesters or so, not on a weekly basis but on an occasional basis. It’s quite getting creepy and “stalking” feeling but not really. It’s just that she is no longer my type, I don’t think I would want her really. And that she has to take a hint and just move on.

Ok moving on to a few more months. I bought two tickets to see a superhero Marvel movie, one for myself and one for a friend that wanted to see the movie with me. Chill, it’s not Jenny but some other guy dude friend. Anyway, he’s not important because the day after I bought those non-refundable tickets, my friend that I was supposed to go watch the movie with ditched me and said that he can’t make it as his girlfriend had just got him tickets as well but for another movie. Damn, of course my friend would have to pick his girl even if it wasn’t the Marvel movie that we were psyched about to watch. So now, I have no choice but literally look for someone to watch me. Damn. There was just no one. It was hard looking for someone to watch with me because people were either busy, the time wasn’t convenient enough, people already made plans or it was too last minute. But then for some reason, I thought of Jenny. She always wanted to go (hang)out with me. So I messaged her and asked her if she’s free on the Friday of the movie and if she wanted to see the show. She said yes, which is good in my part because I wouldn’t worry about a wasted ticket. But also not good because that wasn’t intentional and I just wanted to get someone so that the ticket won’t get wasted. I didn’t charge her for the ticket anymore, that just shows shittiness on the part of me as a guy, since I did ask her out.

We then met each other in the movie theatre and she bought us popcorn. Well that’s good, I got the tickets and she got popcorn. Hooray! We met up half an hour before the movie and we talked and tried catching up. She was more mature like I said and “prettier” too. I kinda liked her. I had that daydreaming imaginary thought of “What if I fall for her and we become together?” I’ve always had that theory that she likes me just because of how her gestures and body language are when facing me in person, and that she always tries asking me out and I always say no. Lol. But that theory has to be confirmed somehow. This meetup/hangout/date or whatever you call it, will have had confirmed it. So movie starts. Movie ends. Then we went to the foodcourt for dinner. Fine dining was just not the option for her because she said it was too fancy. And I kinda gotten the hint that she was actually not into me because I always think that a girl is more likely to be into you if you dine on in a fancy resto. Well, that’s just theory again. I also got another hint of her not liking me after we saw the movie. She doesn’t seem to be too excited after. I just thought she got bored of it. I even asked her before the movie if she likes movies (she said yes). I asked her if she watched the movie trailer (she said no). I mean why did she not do her research, right? Is she not interested in the movie? The movie’s main character is a female persona. I do not know why she did not enjoy it. Another flag that I caught was when she asked me “Why did you ask me? Is it because XXX isn’t free?”, where XXX is the name of the girl that I usually hangout with from high school and continue to get a touch base until now occassionally. So Jenny’s like implying that she is only a second option, and laughed it out after. But I said no and told Jenny that I try to hangout with different people as much as possible. And holy wow, safe call for me. Dinner wasn’t as good as well. We ended up getting different foods from different restaurants in the food court. I got sushi, and she got salad/pizza. She only ate the salad lol. And brought the pizza home. She even offered half the pizza slice but I insisted not to since she paid for it. We were also talking during dinner and we talked a lot of commonalities between us, which is good, like Netflix shows that we watch. But then we also got a talk about some guys that tried hitting up on her at York. There was one guy she mentioned that she said that he was worried on our meetup/hangout/date, but apparently Jenny wasn’t interested at all at this guy. This guy even made a bet that the guy that Jenny will be going out with (me) literally has plans on dating her (well, I guess no at first because she was more of “I need someone to fill in an empty seat” but then yeah maybe after seeing her again). And I just said nah, and literally laughed it out. Cause now, I think I might have debunked my own theory of her liking me. It doesn’t seem like she’s interested in me after all, or into dating me or just dating anyone in general. She seemed like she was just wanting to be friends with me. She was still that reserved, conservative kind of person – very innocent too. And then she said that that guy owes her money now. Lol.

I was a gentleman still and we went home together, or at least brought her to the subway, took it and walked her to the bus stop. I just don’t know if she ever had feelings (or at least little) for me before and just moved on eventually getting a hint that I was not into her. Or did she actually never had feelings for me and just interested as a friend. I mean there is that “sense of rejection” there, now that I think about it. But it’s something I could easily deal with and just move on. I have no regrets and at least I enjoyed spending my time with Jenny. It was then there that I shouldn’t really force my self into her, or force my attraction or liking or feelings for her. Cause it just wouldn’t work. I know for a fact that I don’t really like her. Everything there seemed was just like “forcing”. It’s not genuine. It’s hard to not be genuine, especially in the long run. So I guess better than hurting feelings in the future where damage is already big, get them out of the way as early possible.

Welp, that ends my story about Jenny and I. I wouldn’t think of hanging out with Jenny again. If she asks me out or whatever, then I’ll try maybe? But if not and is on the mode of being the one to expect, then that’s not gonna happen. I’m on my “move on” status so yeah.

There’s a prequel story of how all these things came to be, and I had left them out – until I am ready to tell the story. But it will be a nice, juicy one which I promise to write about in the future. For now, don’t ever force yourself into love.

 

– G.A.